Funny Quotes

I hope you enjoy this collection of funny quotes on a variety of subjects from business to money and even several sections that are geared towards certain professions like doctors, lawyers, marketing, etc.

Be prepared to laugh. Funny quotes are great as an icebreaker in a speech.

Funny Quotes Index

About Life
Accountants / Accounting
Advertising / Marketing
Business / Work / Office Humor
Doctors / Psychiatrists / Health Matters
Humor / Laughter
Legal Matters
Money Matters
Retirement
Success
Technology / Innovation
Thoughts / Ideas / Intellect

About Life

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
~ Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
~ Lilly Tomlin

When you’re up to your armpits in alligators, it’s hard to remember to drain the swamp.
~ Ronald Reagan

When you assume, you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.”
~ Unknown

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more.
~ Oscar Wilde

It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
~ Adlai Stevenson

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
~ Unknown

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Indecision is the key to flexibility.
~ Unknown

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
~ Napoleon Bonaparte

One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.
~ Josh Billings

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
~ Mary Little

You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy.
~ Eric Hoffer

Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell.
~ Edward Abbey

People who know how to employ themselves, always find leisure moments, while those who do nothing are forever in a hurry.
~ Jeanne-Maire Roland

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Accountants / Accounting

When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of this mess I am in now he thought for a long time and said, 'Yes, death would help'.
~ Robert Morley

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
~ Milton Berle

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What is Two and Two?

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist.
His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer.
He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer.
He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Brown, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant.
The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice..."How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.


~ Unknown

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Advertising / Marketing

Advertising is legalized lying.
~ H. G. Wells

Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.
~ Will Rogers

It is our job to make women unhappy with what they have.
~ B. Earl Puckett

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
~ Stephen Butler Leacock

What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.
~ Vilhjalmur Stefansson

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Don't tell my mother I work in an advertising agency; she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
~ Jacques Seguela

In general, my children refused to eat anything that hadn't danced on TV.
~ Erma Bombeck

The trouble with us in America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy.
~ Louis Kronenberger

Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need.
~ Chuck Palahniuk

It used to be that people needed products to survive. Now products need people to survive.
~ Nicholas Johnson

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Never write an advertisement which you wouldn't want your family to read. You wouldn't tell lies to your own wife. Don't tell them to mine.
~ David Ogilvy

Advertising is an environmental striptease for a world of abundance.
~ Marshall McLuhan

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
~ Norman Douglas

When a man throws an empty cigarette package from an automobile, he is liable to a fine of $50. When a man throws a billboard across a view, he is richly rewarded.
~ Pat Brown

Our society's values are being corrupted by advertising's insistence on the equation: Youth equals popularity, popularity equals success, success equals happiness.
~ John Fisher

Advertising is the art of making whole lies out of half truths.
~ Edgar A. Shoaff

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Business / Work / Office Humor

By working faithfully 8 hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.
~ Robert Frost

If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
~ Unknown

In this business it takes time to be really good, and by that time you're obsolete.
~ Cher

Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.
~ John Ciardi

Arguing with your boss is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time you will realize that you are getting dirty and the pig is enjoying it.
~ Bernard Shaw

Every employee rises to the level of his own incompetence.
~ The Peter Principle

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A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
~ Unknown

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
~ Unknown

There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.
~ Peter Drucker

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
~ Doug Larson

A company is known by the people it keeps.
~ Unknown

If you don’t know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route.
~ Malcolm S. Forbes

Find a job you like and you add five days to every week.
~ H. Jackson Brown

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A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
~ Unknown

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
~ Unknown

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.
~ Oscar Wilde

Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job.
~ Unknown

Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.
~ Jim Halpert/The Office

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
~ Howard Scott

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I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
~ Charles Lamb

The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows, your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege.
~ letter in the Times newspaper

In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything.
~ Harold Coffin

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
~ Ambrose Bierce

Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.
~ Karl Marx

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The first thing a new employee should do on the job is learn to recognize his boss' voice on the phone.
~ Martin Buxbaum

I don’t want yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
~ Samuel Goldwyn

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.
~ Scott Adams

How many people on their deathbed wish they'd spent more time at the office?
~ Stephen R. Covey

We don't have a monopoly. We have market share. There's a difference.
~ Steve Ballmer

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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
~ Steven Wright

My son is now an "entrepreneur." That's what you're called when you don't have a job.
~ Ted Turner

Show me a man who is a good looser and I'll show a man who is playing golf with his boss.
~ Jim Murray

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skills.
~ Robert Heller

Key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided.
~ Casey Stengal

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If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have job if he was any smarter.
~ Albert A Grant

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that world word would be 'meetings'.
~ Dave Barry

The person who knows how will always have job. The person who knows WHY will always be his boss.
~ Diane Ravitch

A good boss is a person who can tolerate my complaints and still manage to say hello to me every day.
~ Byron Pusifer

Ability is what will get you to the top, if the boss has no daughter.
~ Unknown

Don't blame the boss. He has enough problems.
~ Unknown

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
~ Unknown

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Doctors / Psychiatrists / Health Matters

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
~ Johnny Carson

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
~ Walter Matthau

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.
~ Samuel Goldwyn

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
~ Joan Rivers

She got her looks from her father: He's a plastic surgeon.
~ Groucho Marx

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
~ Steve Martin

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
~ Dick Sharples

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience.
~ Merv Stockwood

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
~ Paul Merton

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Humor / Laughter

Blessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself, for he shall never cease to be entertained.
~ John Powell

When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.
~ Thomas Szasz

When humor goes, there goes civilization.
~ Erma Bombeck

If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation,it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.
~ Charles Schulz

Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.
~ Agnes Repplier

Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?
~ Frank Moore Colby

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.
~ Edward Albee

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
~ Edward De Bono

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Legal Matters

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in ONE SENTENCE....what it does....it's illegal.
~ Lewis Black

Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty.
~ George Bernard Shaw

A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth.
~ Patrick Murray

A man may as well open an oyster without a knife, as a lawyer's mouth without a fee.
~ Barton Holyday

The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.
~ Will Rogers

An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer.
~ Evelle Younger

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
~ Benjamin Franklin

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Money Matters

Money is not the most important thing in the world.
Love is.
Fortunately, I love money.
~ Jackie Mason

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
~ Spike Milligan

A budget tells us what we can’t afford, but it doesn’t keep us from buying it.
~ William Feather

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.
~ J. Paul GettyIf you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some.
~ Benjamin Franklin

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
~ George Burns

Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing.
~ Billy Rose

The most popular labor-saving device is still money.
~ Phyllis George

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
~ Bob Hope

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There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.
~ Colonel Sanders

If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
~ J. Paul Getty

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
~ Les Dawson

The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.
~ Peter Ustinov

More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.
~ John Nelson

Gentlemen prefer bonds.
~ Andrew Mellon

We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.
~ Keith Davis

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon.
~ Henry Youngman

To make a million, start with $900,000.
~ Morton Shulman

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Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
~ Oscar Wilde

A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist.
~ Franklin Jones

Be glad that you're greedy; the national economy would collapse if you weren't.
~ Mignon McLaughlin

The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments.
~ Mad Magazine

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
~ Robert Orben

Money is something you have to make in case you don't die.
~ Max Asnas

Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.
~ George Raft

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
~ Bo Derek

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All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~ Spike Milligan

It's better to give than to lend and it costs about the same.
~ Philip Gibbs

I'm not a paranoid deranged millionaire. God damn it, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes

When you've got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow.
~ Fern Naito

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~ Spike Milligan

My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.
~ JP Getty

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
~ Woody Allen

I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse.
~ Clinton Jones

They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.
~ Joseph Addison

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Retirement

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
~ Scott Elledge

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
~ Milton Berle

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
~ Abe Lemons

There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.
~ Peter Drucker

The money's no better in retirement but the hours are!
~ Unknown

The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.
~ George Foreman

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
~ Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day.
~ Gene Perret

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.
~ R.C. Sherriff

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
~ Robert Benchley

Retirement is the time when you never do all the things you intended to do when you were still working.
~ Unknown

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
~ Unknown

As in all successful ventures, the foundation of a good retirement is planning.
~ Earl Nightingale

The company gave me an aptitude test and I found out the best work I was best suited for was retirement.
~ Unknown

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Success

Eagles soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
~ Unknown

The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.
~ Vidal Sassoon

The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do.
~ Roy L. Smith

Every employee rises to the level of his own incompetence.
~ The Peter Principle

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.
~ Joseph Stilwell

Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders.
~ Sloan Wilson

There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?
~ Kin Hubbard

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Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
~ Winston Churchill

The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.
~ Bette Midler

Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing.
~ Billy Rose

If at first you don’t succeed, take the tax loss.
~ Kirk Kirkpatrick

Every man has a right to be conceited until he is successful.
~ Benjamin Disraeli

You never become a howling success by just howling.
~ Bob Harrington

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Success means only doing what you do well, letting someone else do the rest.
~ Goldstein S. Truism

Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure.
~ Joseph Heller

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
~ Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
~ Earl Wilson

Behind every successful man lurks a truly amazed ex-mother-in-law.
~ John Chrusciel

You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need.
~ Vernon Howard

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Technology / Innovation

Failure is not an option—it comes bundled with the software.
~ Unknown

A picture is worth 1,000 words, but it uses up 3,000 times the memory.
~ Unknown

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
~ Unknown

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
~ Unknown

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
~ Milton Berle

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
~ Mitch Ratliffe

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Thoughts / Ideas / Intellect

The wheels are turning, but the hamsters are all dead.
~ Unknown

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’ll get change.
~ Unknown

Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats.
~ Howard Aiken

If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
~ Unknown

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
~ Unknown

I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.
~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
~ Fred Allen

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The Dash

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